We had an ultrasound today. We have a heart beat of 167.
I read online, that anything between something like 150-190 is normal for a 9 week fetus..also something cool, My baby is no longer an embryo, he's a fetus..yay for graduation! I have also read to keep a journal of everything I'm feeling so that I can look back at this next time and see what I'm feeling is normal. I am going to try to do that, but you know how hard it is for me to write everyday; but I am going to try my hardest. On another note: I have been teaching the kids to call the hogs, Kylene really gets into it..the others not so much. Is this wrong I'm teaching them this? I don't think so, We practice our colors, shapes, counting all the time; this is a good distraction :) Poll: How many of you that read this have had babies? And if so what were their heartbeats at around 9 weeks, and did they end up being boys or girls? We're hoping for a boy, I also realize this is a old wives tale but it sure is fun to think about isn't it? I thought I was 8 weeks last saturday..turns out not so much. I was only 7. My boobs don't hurt today. So I'm 8 weeks today without feeling it. Yes I'm nauseaus (sp?) but not like I have been. I don't know what to do, there's nothing I can do really. I mean If i'm having a miscarriage is will probably be here by the time I get the ultrasound.
If it's not my progesterone, what is it? Someone better find out something. UGH! My dog has ignored me and wants nothing to do with me, until yesterday. She now won't leave me alone, following me everywhere just like before I was pregnant. She has done this before, ignored me and then a few days before I miscarry she is back to her old self. Well yesterday she went back to her old self; loving me again. Do you think this means I'm about to miscarry again? All signs point to yes. I will be 7 weeks on Saturday. Dog's are supposed to have some kind of 6th sense about these things..right? I just hope she's wrong. My husband thinks it's all in my head, and she's been acting normal this whole time. I hope he's right.
If Annie's right and telling me I'm about to miscarry, she's smarter than I thought. If she is smarter than I give her credit for maybe she's telling me not to worry this time,; everything will be fine. TJ the cat is the same as he always was, always purring; always loving. Maybe he's just dumb. Did you ever just want to run away? I don't know what to feel anymore. I want to be happy about this but dreaming of what could be makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know what I'll do if it happens again. 20 days of progesterone isn't enough. I don't care if my level is 17.6 or 40. I want it to be higher. I have done research and anything over 15 is a good number...17.6 is not a high enough number for me to feel safe. I go in on the 3rd but not to see the doctor, just the nurse (not that nurses aren't good, they're just not good enough for me) Ultra sound on the 27th I will be 8 weeks, the week where everything goes wrong. Michael won't even be with me. What if something happens? What if something isn't right? I won't be able to drive. And what about work? Should I tell them now..are they going to wonder about doctor appointments?
No work tomorrow, it's a snow day. I'm very relieved but at the same time it's going to take forever to get these kids back to normal. Last week was worse than my first week of school. I didn't cry but still, it was rough. I have been watching Nip/Tuck, I'm on season 3. The last episode actually. I like this show a lot. It's strange but I like it just the same. FYI, I don't write these blogs to make anyone feel better, they are for ME...ME! It makes ME feel better so get over yourself. I've been meaning to write that for quite sometime but Christmas was here and I just don't feel like fighting, I still don't but I had to get it off my chest. My life in a nutshell, really sucks right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want a baby but not if this is only the beginning. I want to shout, I want to scream, but in the end I would probably only hear, “You are bipolar, go get it checked!”
Three years ago, I got married. It was great, nothing had changed. We dated for 5 years, sure it was boring but it was us, I was fine with it. In January of 2008 my husband told me, he didn’t love me, and he wanted a divorce. He will tell you he didn’t say that but he did. According to him, those are not the words he used. I told him I wouldn’t divorce him. I started telling people at work about it. They were all sympathetic towards me. But, then again they were all men. Who wouldn’t be sympathetic to a young girl who was vulnerable? One man was very nice. He made me feel good about myself; I started to think maybe life would be better without Michael. He’s the one who hurt me, maybe that’s what I’d do to him. And I did. I moved out in March of 2008. I moved to Dover, maybe it would be better I wouldn’t have to see anyone. I started talking to an attorney in April; I would be divorced by June. I was having fun hanging out with who I wanted, doing what I wanted, and going where I wanted. I thought it was great! My “friends” were so supportive. Not just my work friends but my former work friends too. Well, Michael started calling me when he got papers from the attorney telling him I had filed and when the court date was. He called and harassed me, he wanted to see me. We agreed we would meet after work one day. I saw him and fell more in love with him than ever before, I don’t know if “falling in love” is the right term but I realized I still had feelings for him. I told him we could work on us, and I would put the divorce on hold. I regret this now, I regret ever moving out. It was wrong I know it now. Michael has forgiven me but will God ever? We started “dating” again. It was strange but we somehow managed. I think all this happened in August. We moved too fast and decided to move back in with each other in October. We got a rent house, I wasn’t happy. I should have just told him I was unhappy but I didn’t. I cheated on him with someone from work. He knew something was up; he hacked his way into my Facebook account and found an email. He kept an eye on my phone and read my text messages. I never deleted anything, it was all there. Well, he moved out in the first week of December. I again thought life was better without him. Again, I was wrong. I continued to see the guy I cheated on him with. He eventually grew boring too. I went back to the attorney when Michael moved out. I was divorced January 16, 2009. I thought I was finally free, but I was never free from Michael. I was still in love with him; I just never realized it until it was too late. Well, finally I had had enough and somehow managed Michael to let me come back. We moved in Mena in August of 2009 and re-married October 13, 2009. He let me quit my crappy job at Walmart and I stayed home. When we were apart for most of 2009, and divorced he saw people. I’m not sure all who but I know of one person, by the name of Kristen, let’s call her Bitch for short. We agreed that I wouldn’t talk to Josh and I made it clear I didn’t want him talking to Bitch. Well that didn’t last long. I got a phone call at work, before we remarried. The girl on the phone told me she was friends with Bitch, and that she had told her. Michael thought I was bipolar and he didn’t want to marry me again but he also didn’t want to be alone. I confronted Michael about it, he told me that wasn’t true and he would never talk to Bitch again. I believed him, how stupid can one person be? Well that didn’t last long, two months later he was at again. He acts different when he has contact with her, I’m not sure how to explain it but it is different. I’m not sure how many times he told me he would never talk to her again but it keeps happening. He’s acting strange now (currently) too I’m not sure if she is to blame but something in my gut tells me I’m right. If I find out he’s calling/texting/emailing her I will lose it! I have a short fuse as it is, I don’t need him lying to me. We have been working so hard to get a baby but every time something bad happens. I don’t love my job; the pets get on my nerves and then him pulling this crap again? When will it stop? When I die? What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you. When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. -Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. -Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. -Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. -Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? -Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. -Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. -Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age. -Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. -Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. -Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. - Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. -Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. -Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. -Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. -Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." -Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. -Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker: -Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. -Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space. -DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while." Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me. Dear Christina,
I’ve been told you are searching for answers to your miscarriages. What you ate and did through your teen years has a lot to do with your health now. With some changes I’m sure you will soon have success. I don’t know of anyone in our family who has had a miscarriage. A long time ago when women first started using Tampax a doctor told me it was the worst thing a woman could do. It keeps the uterus from draining properly and causes bacteria in the vagina to grow. I never used one. My generation used Kotex pads, also you need something to keep your brain busy something to care for so you can relax and not be so stressed out all the time. You have been stressed your whole life and you always worry about family members. I hope you are in church and take time each day to pray. There are so many kids out there in the world needing someone to love and care for them. Be careful what you put into your body, Cokes are so bad for you. All peanut products are good and soy products. Vitamins and folic acid are very important. Maybe with a few changes and a little time you will have better luck. It’s going to take a few months to build your body back so don't worry so much. Enjoy everything you can in life with Michael. He is a good man you two could go to parenting classes and learn all you can. Doug and Belinda have completed everything now to be foster parents. They had to for Kayli’s sake. I don’t think Lewis’ brain tumor have any effect on your and Sarah. The doctors said maybe male children. There isn’t anything wrong with your ovaries or you wouldn’t get pregnant. It’s probably the lining of the uterus. Anyway – hope you will think about all I’ve said. I don’t call because I have trouble hearing on the phone. Stop by anytime. I love you, Grandma Someone shoot me! I don't know what I would have done if she did call..ugh! First week of work= awful! I don't like it as much as I thought I would. I think when the kids start to listen to me, maybe it won't be so bad..maybe, lets hope :)
As far as women trouble go..it's not getting any better..wtf!? I'm still bleeding, and brown gooing; for lack of a better term. It smells horrible! I read online I might have an infection, but I didn't have a D&C so how could my inside girl parts become infected? When we went to the dr. last week I was told the bleeding should stop at the end of this week or the beginning of next, if I'm not done by Wednesday, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I live almost 2 hours from the dr. I don't get off work until 4. I think I will have to find a dr. in Mena..ugh! There are only 2 and one is a foreigner, I don't mean to sound racist but I hate foreign doctors, I can never understand them, hopefully the American one will be taking new patients. Not to say Dr. Rocha isn't an American, but he has an foreign accent... I'm cramping right now, I hope it's the Mexican food I had for lunch otherwise..it's not good! sticky baby dust for me..and you xo Tina Well, we went to the dr., he was really nice, for being a replacement..almost makes me want him as my dr. ..almost.
He said I was fine, nothing is wrong with my blood work, sometimes these things just happen. He doens't know why the tests were even done, he said they shouldn't have been. He did another ultra sound just to be sure, and he said I'm still bleeding because I started my period, so there is nothing to worry about. He put me on birth control to get me back to normal. Keesha suggested I stat a baby aspirin when we try again, just for good measure. I think I will.. Tomorrow is my last day of not working, CDI called and offered me a job as the early headstart teacher I start Tuesday. So, YAY! go me... I guess that's if for today, if anything else comes up, I will let the internet know first! xo | AuthorChristina, 27 year old married girl from Arkansas. She wants nothing more than to be a mother. ArchivesSeptember 2010 Categories |
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