I'm sorry for not writing very often, I know it would make me feel so much better to just get it out. But, I spend too much other time doing other things, and can never remember or feel like doing it. I have an update for you.

I can't seem to get my dates right, I'm not sure what I've said so I got to investigating this earlier and finally decided this: I wrote them down but just found the notebook today...

1st miscarriage:
Bleeding started on Dec 20 and lasted until Jan 6th. That's 17 days. I then started a period Jan 28th and got a period every 28th day of the month until May, which was my last period.

2nd miscarriage is what I'm confused about, and I shouldn't be because its happened so recent.
According to appointment cards I went to the Dr. July 26th which was my first prenatal appointment. I blogged about this appointment. (see below) The heartbeat wasn't what the Dr. wanted it to be so we went back 2 weeks later, which was Aug 10. Aug 10th we were told that there was nothng left in the sac, and there wasn't a heartbeat. She put me on Misoprostol and I had it filled on the 11th, started it on the 12. The bleeding started on that day. So, right now I have been bleeding for 21 days. I had a follow-up appointment on the 17th. On the 17th I had blood drawn, not exactly sure all what for, I should have had someone write it down for me, but didn't so, here we are now. I called the clinic yesterday, and asked a nurse to tell Dr. Thaxton I wanted the results of my blood work. She said ok, like no big thing and said she would pass the message. I called back today, because I never received a call yesterday..and my sister told me to call everyday until I got an answer. Anyway, I talked to a nurse and she told me Dr. Thaxton went on maternity leave. Ok that's fine but why wasn't I told this yesterday?... I asked her if she could tell me my results, she looked at my chart and told me the two tests were fine, Lupas hasn't come back. I asked what the two tests were that came back fine, she said ADA? and then something I can't remember. Lupas had to be sent to Virginia so it would be a few more days for that one. I then told her I thought they drew more blood than just 3 tests, Dr. Thaxton wrote down a lot for the phlebotomist to draw, it took like 10 minutes. The nurse I talked to then told me she would look on the computer, she did. Got back on the phone and asked how my bleeding is today, I told her heavy and then said I need to see someone. She said she would contact the Dr. on call and then get back to me. About 20 minutes later, she called back and told me I would need to come in tomorrow. I said ok, I have an appointment at 1:15 with Dr. Gunter.

So, that is that. I have had cramping two nights in a row, last night and I have some now as I'm typing this. TMI ALERT: I sat on the toilet tonight and I thought my insides were falling out. I'm hurting right now, but not enough for a trip to the ER or anything like that. I just want the bleeding to stop.

While thinking long and hard about my conversation with the nurse this morning, the more and more worried I'm getting about what she saw on the computer to make her think I needed to see someone...hmm? Maybe its just my mind...

I have joined some support groups on Babycenter.com. I thought they were helping but I'm just getting more and more upset, some people that have miscarried very close to mine have already started a peiod. How can this be because I haven't even stopping original miscarriage blood yet. Some of them had a D&C, so maybe that's why they are already done, but it sure isn't helping!

Please pray for me.

On another note: I have started going to church more. I went to both services on Sunday, and I signed up for a new 6 week study on the book of Daniel and the end of days. I was also invited to go to Zumba, they have it Monday and Thursday nights. I didn't go tonight, Michael wanted to go to the fair so we did. It was fun.

I guess that's if for tonight, Pray for my appointment tomorrow. We're going to M'boro after so it might be next week before I get you guys updated.

 I have been laying in bed for an hour. I took some pills about 2hours ago, I think I am finally immune to Benadryl. It hasn't helped in a few days.

I signed up for an accounting class, it starts Tuesday. I went to the bookstore on Friday, my book wasn't there. I'm going back tomorrow I hope its there. At least the class is free, and the book will be 20% off; thanks to Michael being an employee.

I think the female issues are finally coming to an end, they have been horrible for the last few days but today was alot better!

I went to church tonight. There wasn't a sermon, instead someone from Russellville was there talking to us about a 12 step program to help us get closer to God. I am going to sign up for it. I also think I am going to sign up for a Wednesday night bible study. I have to get over my problems, and there is only one way to succeed.

I applied for a job at RMCC, the Bookstore Manager. I don't really want it because I want the CDC job but they haven't called and student loan payments go up in January, so something has to be done ASAP.

Friday night we had a "Date Night", I think it went really well. I hope they both don't go jumping in head first, but they are grown ups they can do what they want I guess...Michael brings up some good points, that I don't seem to think about so when he's not around I fell really good about my match-making skills.

January we will start to try again for out diamond, hopefully with the phone call I get this week will have some good news, hoping for just a baby aspirin a day..cross your fingers.

I guess that's it for tonight.
xo
Tina

We went back to the dr. last week. We are no longer pregnant. I have cried everyday for a week. We went back today, had an Ultrasound, and cervix scrap..ewww, ugh. I don't know what to say except that I had a feeling something bad was going to happen. They drew blood today, to hopefully figure something out. What if my deepest darkest fears are true and I can't have babies?

I'm have serious religious issues over this. I don't know what to say. I had a feeling something was wrong, prayed about it, pleaded with God, asked him to fix it. He didn't. He let another one of my babies die. And for what? I have nothing to say but my Faith is fading. He has been doing this to me since I was 7 years old. 20 years of misery.

Maybe its me, I did something.

I have missed blogging, even though I only did it a few times. I forgot my password and kept forgetting to reset it, dang pregnancy brain...oops! the cat is out of the bag now, lol. We went to the dr. today, we are at 8 weeks 5 days. The ultrasound only showed 5 weeks 5 days, she said the sac was big. (not sure what that means...) We go back in 2 weeks. We saw a heartbeat, praise Jesus! The edd is March 4, 2011.

I'm hoping I just ovulated late, the u/s tech said it was a small baby but didn't seem worried.

The receptionist was an evil b word. If you are going to be mean to pregnant ladies, you need to get a new job. We arrived early (30 min) an hour goes by and I walk up to the counter, asking if we could see the financial person. She tells me they are really busy and to just be patient, I walk away before she is done talking. Of course add my 2 cents "I thougt waiting an hour was being patient!", 2 seconds later we were called back, it was 10 am before we actually got to see the dr. Did I mention we got there at 8:00 AM!? Anyway...finally got to the back, after talking to the finanicial person told me I didn't have insurance, and said she has been trying to get the information since last thursday and friday, she called me friday morning and left a message, I called right back and left a message. She never called me back. Said she spent 2 days on this "Two whole days!"...whatever! She was so hateful and was dressed like she worked from home! sloppy.

But getting worked up over that drama really drained me the rest of the day. I'm so tired right now but feel as if I am going to vomit at any second.

xo
Stick Baby Stick!

So, I had a total mental break-down yesterday. We were eating our supper at Branding Iron, because the Chopping Block was closed, and I wanted fish. There we were eating supper about to be finished when a family comes in. There was a man in a walker. He was old and feeble, didn't really look like Papa but somehow he did...I don't know exactly I was just washed over in emotion. I couldn't hold the tears back, Michael was worried. I don't know if its because the edd is getting close or what but I'm a train wreck these days.

AF never shower her ugly face yesterday. So I have my fingers crossed and maybe she won't be here for 9 months...I'm not getting my hopes up! But if I am, what I think I am maybe that's why I'm acting like a looney bin.

We went to Fort Smith today. Sarah, Buddy and Lucifer were all fine. We ate at Olive Garden..it was really yummy or I was really hungry, either way I was pleased :)

We're home now, waiting for the weekend. M'boro here we come! And then next week we're going to St. Louis, YAY! We're becoming regular world class travelers..kinda.

I got an email that I have received 33 views of this blog..where are my comments, or least some advice?

Sprinkling baby dust my way...

I have a pain. A pain so great nothing can cure it. My heart is broken, will it ever mend?

The due date creeps closer and closer. I don't know what I will do that day. Will Michael remember, wil lhe be upset? He'll have to go to work tomorrow, I don't know what I'll do while he's gone. I need to clean this house, its horribly disgusting. Everytime I go into the bathroom my stomach churns. I cleaned the shower a week ago, and it's already unbearable to me. I don't know how to clean it so it stays clean for more than two days.

He just woke up, his bug bites are itching.

I leaned tonight there is an open window for when I need to go to bed after taking Benadryl. I took two pills at 8:30 PM It is now 1:43 AM. I felt the pills taking effect at around 9:30...10:00, but did I lay down? NO! I was watching a movie on Netflix and didn't want it to end..I could have pushed pause and been dreaming of Goodness knows what, happy and sleeping. I think my favorite pasttime is sleeping, well that and eating..but all know the eating habit...

Here it is almost 2 AM and I'm eating chocolates. Aunt Flo should come tomorrow I felt her coming this afternoon, and I wanted to cry. There is always a hope she won't show up, she is by far the "person" I hate the most.

We're watching the 'Last Airbender'...yes the cartoon on Nickelodeon, I've actually grown quite attached to it..surprisingly...

I guess that's it, 'til next time
spreading baby dust my way
xo
Tina

I'm angry. Everyone but me is pregnant. Everytime I see it happen I hope they miscarry, so they will feel like I do. I know its wrong and as soon as I have this evil thouhgt, I take it back.

Why do I Facebook? It only causes me pain. So why do I do it?...

I walked a mile today, and I was wore out after..wheew! The tape that Keesha burnt for me is actually a 2 mile walk but the girl is so annoying, I wanted to pull her hair out. Has that ever happened to you. You see someone on the street and you just want to walk up to them and punch them in the face for no reason at all. It happens to me all the time.

Michael went for a hike today, he was supposed to have gone camping too (overnight)..I'm glad he didn't end up staying for the campng part. Though a piece of me was happy he was away for the day, I was glad when he got home.

I could have cleaned but we did it together on Wednesday, because my mom and sister came down for the day. And I don't have the stamina or the desire to do it anyway. There are tons of things for me to be doing, but I have no desire to do it..same old, same old.

Aunt Flo is supposed to come for a visit in 2 days, here's to hoping she doesn't! :)
and sprinkling baby dust my way...
xo

As we draw closer to the due date, I become more solemn. Its as if nothing said or done will help. I pray for peace, no peace has come. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I have it pretty good. I have a husband who loves me, a roof over my head and a dog who does cartwheels when ever I'm around..yes actual cartwheels.

I have tried to read message boards of women who are going exactly what I am but they only seem to make it worse. Yesterday was my first appointment with Dr. Thaxton as I said she is super nice, and very understanding. I was very emotional in the little room. I cried. She didn't say anything, only an understanding smile. Which I really like becasue when I'm upset about something, its better if I am alone. I don't want to be hugged or touched; it only makes it worse.

Dr. Thaxton didn't say but I also didn't ask about my weight. I know I need to lose weight, my jeans from last fall don't fit..something has to be done. I have tried walking/running I even bought Runtones; they only hurt my feet. One hundered bucks down the drain. Its so hot outside, which I know is only an excuse. We have Tony Little Gazelle, but I don't have the desire to jump on it everyday. Yes I'm lazy..no question about it. I know if I lose weight it will be beneficial to me but also to my future children. So why can't I get the want, for lack of a better word to do the work? I don't understand myself sometimes.

Here's to sprinkling baby dust my way.
xo

I want so much to have a baby. I went to the doctor today, she has high hopes that it won't take long. We know I can get pregnant, that isn't the problem. I started to think this too, we need to continue to work at it. With timing and luck, it won't take long.