The Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish ...I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some PEOPLE are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No PERSON deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger PERSON.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a PARENT who has lost a child.

Author unknown

ok, so much as happened..I was going to write about it last time but was just too sad.

I finally felt Ben move, it was April 27th. I thought I had felt him several times before that but was unsure if it was him or not..but matter of factly it was definetly (sp?) April 27th.

Michael felt him for the first time Thursday morning..May 19th.

There was other stuff but now I've fogotten it..dang it.

I don't know what it is about me..my guess is hormones. I don't know? I miss everyone whoever was close to me.

One day last week I had a horrible heartache for Aunt Pauline, a couple days later it was Papa. Today is Aunt Lois. I have been shopping online for baby ideas. I found a chair like she used to have in her dining room and have not stopped crying since..I loved those chairs!  I wish the baby room was bigger, I'd get one to use as a rocker but alas it's too small

Ok so technically FMLA states that you have to be working for the company for at least one year before it can be guaranteed to you..or some such foolishness. I won't be working for CDI for one year until Sept 7th..I think? So if the baby comes when he's supposed to then they don't have to save your job. When I asked about it, I was told, "Yes, you are right, legally we don't have to do anything."  Ok, so that wasn't a direct quote but it's close enough to the answer I got. I also said I wasn't going to come back before January anyway, and was told. "That makes sense."  I"m not sure what any of this means. I'm going to fill out the paperwork to get FMLA but there's no guarantee I'll be called back to work.

Ah, the agony...I told Michael we didn't have money to go on vacation, and I meant it..I want to be able to take my 12 weeks in September, but now I'm regretting my decision. We decided MIchael would make the arrangements and his limit would be the state refund, well now he's decided we just won't go anywhere..but I can't really say anything because I was a bitch about it to start out with. I don't know if I should just give in and tell him, "Yes we should go somewhere!" I'm so ready for a break from work but I kinda want to get away now, and I can't do anything about it..ah! Why can't he just be able to read my mind?! Ha.

Does anyone read this? I'm starting to think no one does, not that it matters it's actually for my benefit more than anyone else's but I want someone to read it, so if you do..comment or something! I need to know, lol.

I don't really want to go to Tulsa but we could go to Branson, the il's are going, not that we'd be going to hang out with them but at least it'd be something to do. The more I think about it, the more I want to shop Tanger outlet...

A week ago while arguing about baby names, Michael said the middle name doesn't matter anyway, let's not even do one..then why the crap won't he just let me name the baby what I want?! If it's a boy the name is Banjamin Powell, which is fine..I guess. I know why he wants Powell but really? It's a family name..him and his grandpa are the ones who have it, it's not like everyone for the last 10 generations had it as a middle name! I like Benjamin Boyd better, it sounds better but what do I know?! Just my opinion...

We're debating on girl names, I really don't think it will be a girl..I have a feeling it's not anway. He was drunk when we were talking about girl names so I don't know for sure if he was just drunk or actually have a conversation with me...
Savannah or Charlotte. I like Savannah because it covers his Nannie Jean with the name Anna, and then we could do Marie for a middle name...covering Nannie Maggie, but how does that sound. Savannah Marie Cox, it's cute and very southern so that's why I'm thinking Michael will probably shoot it down. If we go with Charlotte which I really like I'm stuck on a middle name, Marie would work but I don't love it. Nichole would be ok but I think it's kind of selfish of me to use my own middle name. Jane would cover Cindy and I'm sure it would make her feel good. I think Nichole sounds the best but then again...maybe I'm just being selfish?!

My entire life I wanted to name my daughter Katherine so I could call her Katie but Michael is being a total ass about it and yelled at me and said NO, he hates that name. I know he yelled at me because he never does, and I know for sure it wasn't just tone, he actually yelled! Said he hated the initials KC..guess what? She'll be known by something longer than she had her maiden name so what's the big deal?

I'm the one doing all the work; nursery, carrying this baby, I'll be the one pushing it out..I don't get it!

Depression, Anxiety Due to Pregnancy Loss Can Persist for Years Caroline Cassels

March 3, 2011 — Depression and anxiety experienced by women after a miscarriage or the stillbirth of a child may continue for years, even if they subsequently go on to give birth to a healthy infant, new research suggests.

A study published online March 3 in the British Journal of Psychiatryfound the number of previous miscarriages/stillbirths significantly predicted symptoms of depression and anxiety in a subsequent pregnancy independent of key psychosocial and obstetric factors.

Furthermore, the researchers report that this "association remained constant across the pre- and postnatal period, indicating that the impact of a previous prenatal loss did not diminish significantly following the birth of a healthy child.

"Our study clearly shows that the birth of a healthy baby does not resolve the mental health problems that many women experience after a miscarriage or stillbirth. This finding is important because, when assessing if a woman is at risk of antenatal or postnatal depression, previous pregnancy loss is usually not taken into account in the same way as other risk factors, such as family history of depression, stressful life events, or a lack of social support," principal investigators Emma Robertson Blackmore, PhD, University of Rochester Medical Center, New York, said in a press release.

According to the study, pregnancy loss associated with miscarriage or stillbirth is common, affecting more than an estimated 1 million women in the United States and 70,000 to 90,000 women in the United Kingdom every year.

In addition, estimates suggest between 14% and 20% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriages. Stillbirth or the loss of a pregnancy before delivery after the 20th week in the United States or the 24th week in the United Kingdom of gestation due to natural causes is estimated to occur in nearly 1 in 200 pregnancies.

Furthermore, the investigators note, there is a significant psychological/psychiatric morbidity associated with prenatal loss, including elevated rates depression and anxiety in subsequent pregnancies.

However, they add, previous research has not explored whether these symptoms persist after a subsequent successful pregnancy.

To answer this question, Dr. Blackmore and colleagues analyzed data from the Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children, a longitudinal study in the west of England that has followed up mothers from pregnancy into the postnatal period.

The study cohort included 13,133 pregnant women who reported the number of previous miscarriages and stillbirths they had experienced. In addition, they were assessed for symptoms of depression and anxiety at 18 and 32 weeks of gestation and again at 8 weeks, 8 months, 21 months, and 33 months postnatally using anxiety items from the Crown Crisp Experiential Index and depressive symptoms using the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale.

Most participants (10,210) reported no miscarriages, and 2823 (21%) reported having one or more previous miscarriages. Of these women, 106 (0.8%) reported having one previous stillbirth and 3 women reported having had 2 previous stillbirths.

The study revealed that those who had lost a child during pregnancy experienced significantly higher levels of anxiety and depression during pregnancy, and this continued nearly 3 years after giving birth to a healthy child.

In addition, the investigators found there was no difference in depression and anxiety symptoms scores between women who had a stillbirth and those who experienced miscarriage.

"Our findings suggest that routinely assessing loss history, which could be accomplished briefly and without some of the report bias that accompanies other assessments, would be valuable as a predictor of current and postpartum risk and as a possible marker for intervention," the study authors write.

The authors have disclosed no relevant financial relationships.

Br J Psychiatry. Published online March 3, 2011.


So that was that..maybe that's whats wrong with me? I'm pregnant, I don't feel good, my back already hurts..I don't think it should this early... I hate my job, and I'm still mourning over the loss of my other babies? Well, fuck! Just what I wanted to hear! I hope I'm not more inclined to get postpartum because I'm already screwed up.

Tomorrow is Friday! One more week of work and than springbreak..I need a break!

This is my baby, not yours. Well, unless you were there when it was made it's not yours so in Michael's case I guess it can be part his, hahaha!

Since I'm complaining about everything these days here's another one for you. I secretly wish everyone that gets pregnant would miscarry. Especially those of you not married. I know this is the meanest thought anyone has ever said outloud but I want all you happy bitches to feel some pain. You have no idea what it's like, and it's not fair, but then again life isn't either so...whatever.

I read somewhere those feelings were normal for people who have miscarried to have but I still feel bad, supposedly the "bad" feelings are supposed to go away, not so much for me...it last until the baby is actually here. I hear people on facebook who find out that day and post it, along with pictures. It makes me sick, I just want their words to backfire on them, I don't know why I'm evil but I wish it would stop.

I HATE my job. I don't even like it a little bit. I should have never gone to college. I didn't know what I wanted to be then and I still don't only now I owe the government a ton of money. It's not like I want to stay home and do nothing, which I'm sure is what everyone thinks. I want to work but I have no idea what. I know I don't want to work with children...what was I thinking?

I really wish I could find a weekday job in retail. I know that sounds so stupid, I hated it when I worked in it but now I miss it. The smell, the feel of new clothes...not much can beat it.

I hope the government shuts down and takes my position away forever, Bill Clinton is so stupid, if he didn't invent the job in the first place, no one ever would have. I have been investigating it, in 1995 and then again in 1996 the fed. government shut down and Headstart was shut down with it. The post office still worked, and only ESSENTIAL personnel were still needed: Armed Forces, Zoo/Parks, etc... And now they have so many more jobs that have been created; terrorist protectors and all that, for the life of me I can not think of the term, but you probably know what I'm talking about...?

Anyway, I guess that's if for now, I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for 6 months until the baby comes. But I can't so I'm going to bed. Always hoping for a call or text telling me I can take the day off! (or better yet, center is closed because gov't shut down...

xo

I was told the other day that I won't be able to take 12 weeks off work. "We can't afford it", which I understand..kinda. I know babies cost money, i'm not an idiot. It's not exactly all my fault that we got pregnant before our aflac had a chance to kick in to cover the cost of the baby. Which is really too bad because if we would have waited with the lovins and had the baby in Oct. or Nov. I'd be in the clear. I'd get to stay at home for 3 months because we'd have that money to use. But NOoooo "someone" can't keep his hands off my sexy body, hahaha!

Anyway this isn't fair! To make matters worse, I loaned my baby fund to my sister thinking I would get repaid in a timely manner..wrong! I'm not even going to be able to buy the furniture I really wanted without it.

Which I'm not even sure why I'm getting so worked up about it, I may not even have a job for next year anyway. Anna said the other day if we don't get our kitchen like we're supposed to the entire center will shut down because the Middle School won't be there. And without being to provide a hot meal, we're kinda screwed.

I hate this job more and more everyday, I have been sick all year it seems; i used to NEVER get sick. The children roll their eyes at me, they don't listen, they do exactly what I tell them not to. Everyday it gets worse, might as well stayed at Walmart. At least at Walmart you know you're gonna hate your job, it's not like I wasted 9 years of my life on this degree when it's not really even the degree they want you to have.

I don't know what to do. :(