What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: 

A letter from women to their friends and family 
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer 
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you. 

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. 

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. 
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. 

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. 

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. 

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. 

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? 

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. 

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. 

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age. 

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. 

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. 

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. 

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. 

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. 

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. 

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. 

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker: 

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. 

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space. 

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. 

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while." 

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Dear Christina,

I’ve been told you are searching for answers to your miscarriages. What you ate and did through your teen years has a lot to do with your health now. With some changes I’m sure you will soon have success. I don’t know of anyone in our family who has had a miscarriage.

A long time ago when women first started using Tampax a doctor told me it was the worst thing a woman could do. It keeps the uterus from draining properly and causes bacteria in the vagina to grow. I never used one. My generation used Kotex pads, also you need something to keep your brain busy something to care for so you can relax and not be so stressed out all the time. You have been stressed your whole life and you always worry about family members. I hope you are in church and take time each day to pray. There are so many kids out there in the world needing someone to love and care for them. Be careful what you put into your body, Cokes are so bad for you. All peanut products are good and soy products. Vitamins and folic acid are very important. Maybe with a few changes and a little time you will have better luck. It’s going to take a few months to build your body back so don't worry so much. Enjoy everything you can in life with Michael. He is a good man you two could go to parenting classes and learn all you can. Doug and Belinda have completed everything now to be foster parents. They had to for Kayli’s sake.

I don’t think Lewis’ brain tumor have any effect on your and Sarah. The doctors said maybe male children. There isn’t anything wrong with your ovaries or you wouldn’t get pregnant. It’s probably the lining of the uterus. Anyway – hope you will think about all I’ve said. I don’t call because I have trouble hearing on the phone. Stop by anytime.

I love you,
Grandma


Someone shoot me! I don't know what I would have done if she did call..ugh!

First week of work= awful! I don't like it as much as I thought I would. I think when the kids start to listen to me, maybe it won't be so bad..maybe, lets hope :)

As far as women trouble go..it's not getting any better..wtf!? I'm still bleeding, and brown gooing; for lack of a better term. It smells horrible! I read online I might have an infection, but I didn't have a D&C so how could my inside girl parts become infected? When we went to the dr. last week I was told the bleeding should stop at the end of this week or the beginning of next, if I'm not done by Wednesday, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I live almost 2 hours from the dr. I don't get off work until 4. I think I will have to find a dr. in Mena..ugh! There are only 2 and one is a foreigner, I don't mean to sound racist but I hate foreign doctors, I can never understand them, hopefully the American one will be taking new patients. Not to say Dr. Rocha isn't an American, but he has an foreign accent...

I'm cramping right now, I hope it's the Mexican food I had for lunch otherwise..it's not good!

sticky baby dust for me..and you
xo
Tina

Well, we went to the dr., he was really nice, for being a replacement..almost makes me want him as my dr. ..almost.

He said I was fine, nothing is wrong with my blood work, sometimes these things just happen. He doens't know why the tests were even done, he said they shouldn't have been. He did another ultra sound just to be sure, and he said I'm still bleeding because I started my period, so there is nothing to worry about. He put me on birth control to get me back to normal. Keesha suggested I stat a baby aspirin when we try again, just for good measure. I think I will..

Tomorrow is my last day of not working, CDI called and offered me a job as the early headstart teacher I start Tuesday. So, YAY! go me... I guess that's if for today, if anything else comes up, I will let the internet know first!

xo

I'm sorry for not writing very often, I know it would make me feel so much better to just get it out. But, I spend too much other time doing other things, and can never remember or feel like doing it. I have an update for you.

I can't seem to get my dates right, I'm not sure what I've said so I got to investigating this earlier and finally decided this: I wrote them down but just found the notebook today...

1st miscarriage:
Bleeding started on Dec 20 and lasted until Jan 6th. That's 17 days. I then started a period Jan 28th and got a period every 28th day of the month until May, which was my last period.

2nd miscarriage is what I'm confused about, and I shouldn't be because its happened so recent.
According to appointment cards I went to the Dr. July 26th which was my first prenatal appointment. I blogged about this appointment. (see below) The heartbeat wasn't what the Dr. wanted it to be so we went back 2 weeks later, which was Aug 10. Aug 10th we were told that there was nothng left in the sac, and there wasn't a heartbeat. She put me on Misoprostol and I had it filled on the 11th, started it on the 12. The bleeding started on that day. So, right now I have been bleeding for 21 days. I had a follow-up appointment on the 17th. On the 17th I had blood drawn, not exactly sure all what for, I should have had someone write it down for me, but didn't so, here we are now. I called the clinic yesterday, and asked a nurse to tell Dr. Thaxton I wanted the results of my blood work. She said ok, like no big thing and said she would pass the message. I called back today, because I never received a call yesterday..and my sister told me to call everyday until I got an answer. Anyway, I talked to a nurse and she told me Dr. Thaxton went on maternity leave. Ok that's fine but why wasn't I told this yesterday?... I asked her if she could tell me my results, she looked at my chart and told me the two tests were fine, Lupas hasn't come back. I asked what the two tests were that came back fine, she said ADA? and then something I can't remember. Lupas had to be sent to Virginia so it would be a few more days for that one. I then told her I thought they drew more blood than just 3 tests, Dr. Thaxton wrote down a lot for the phlebotomist to draw, it took like 10 minutes. The nurse I talked to then told me she would look on the computer, she did. Got back on the phone and asked how my bleeding is today, I told her heavy and then said I need to see someone. She said she would contact the Dr. on call and then get back to me. About 20 minutes later, she called back and told me I would need to come in tomorrow. I said ok, I have an appointment at 1:15 with Dr. Gunter.

So, that is that. I have had cramping two nights in a row, last night and I have some now as I'm typing this. TMI ALERT: I sat on the toilet tonight and I thought my insides were falling out. I'm hurting right now, but not enough for a trip to the ER or anything like that. I just want the bleeding to stop.

While thinking long and hard about my conversation with the nurse this morning, the more and more worried I'm getting about what she saw on the computer to make her think I needed to see someone...hmm? Maybe its just my mind...

I have joined some support groups on Babycenter.com. I thought they were helping but I'm just getting more and more upset, some people that have miscarried very close to mine have already started a peiod. How can this be because I haven't even stopping original miscarriage blood yet. Some of them had a D&C, so maybe that's why they are already done, but it sure isn't helping!

Please pray for me.

On another note: I have started going to church more. I went to both services on Sunday, and I signed up for a new 6 week study on the book of Daniel and the end of days. I was also invited to go to Zumba, they have it Monday and Thursday nights. I didn't go tonight, Michael wanted to go to the fair so we did. It was fun.

I guess that's if for tonight, Pray for my appointment tomorrow. We're going to M'boro after so it might be next week before I get you guys updated.